Winds
a poem and deep feelings on anniversaries
The winds are pulling through my windows
Curtains fluttering leaved branches wavering
An energetic twist
An opening
A shift
Blissfullness I hear myself say, or wish
The winds of change carry such promise
©️ By Jess G-S
I cannot recall when I wrote this. I opened my articles to write something and here it was, waiting for me to return to it.
“An opening
A shift”
Yes please.
Today is the day I was married, I guess it is still my anniversary. Although it is the anniversary to a life that I do not occupy anymore. Sixteen years ago I married my husband, my love. And five years ago he died. Just shy of our eleventh wedding anniversary. Time is a really strange thing. It feels like odd math.
I opened my journal to write the date and my body filled with sand. I questioned. Am I remembering it right? Is it really today? Sixteen years ago. Might as well have been a century. Or a beautiful dream. One where I was a wife with a husband and two darling children whom we both love more than we can put into words. Where I had another adult to talk to, laugh with, be silly with, sleep beside, awaken to.
Today I layed in bed and read my gold owl journal that spanned a decade from 2013-2023. I made breakfast for my children, I sipped coffee and wrote in my journal. I organized the piles of things to do. Took some off the top of those piles. My dad came and helped me fix my kids closet doors. He remembered. He asked, how are you? I know today is…” He wrapped me in a big hug.
I played restaurant with my silly kids. We sat on the couch and talked about this day, daddy and my wedding day. A big beautiful day in the chapters of our life story. We made art together in my studio. My big kid wore their daddy’s shirt. The yellow and green flannel I wore on that last day.
I cried. I got frustrated and sharp. I felt depleted and sad. I wrote poems and words. I rented a movie. I layed my weary body on my big yellow corduroy couch. I texted a friend back and told her it was my anniversary. I didn’t tell anyone else. I thought about it. Even wondered about posting something…nope. I drank tea, did my physio exercises, ate pizza and chips and celery and drank lots of water. I washed my face four times letting the tears be washed back to the sea.
I felt into my day. I wanted to be cuddled in my home. I did not wish to be social. I want to feel it all. And I do. My body aches. My spirit feels adrift on waves of ache and relief. Love and empty. Full and heavy. Lightness and preciousness. I tucked in my children, our children. I cried happy tears.
I just needed this to be put somewhere. Witnessed. I thought to myself, I’m going to start writing and see what it is I need to say. So here it is.
With love, Jess.
Here living my one wild and precious life. Feeling all the grief and love…and everything in between.💜
Beautiful my friend, thank you for sharing such a special part of yourself💛 I read it with honor and gratitude. Being there on your wedding day was a gift I hold closely in my heart.